How do I say “I love you” to the one not on the path?

In tenth grade we learned about the way electrons

float in the outer shell of the molecule.

That these negative particles wander from the nucleus,

searching for a positive force that will pull them in.

Then they attach to the empty space on another’s atomic orbit.

A whole new substance is created in this bonding.

Ionic, it’s called, I think. It’s hard to remember,

I was so taken by Pam Robertson’s curly blond hair.

And, while I never had any reason to use that information

in the ensuing thirty years, tonight it is the thing I need to know.

There have been times when my electrons huddled

as close to the core as possible. I had an internal entropy,

and did not need nor want to wander, looking.

And there are other times that I was just a fired up particle,

jittering from one person to another, looking for

anyone and anything to coax the sting from my charge.

I groped at respect and security; I flirted with admiration and approval;

I made love to achievements, making it nearly impossible

for others to not douse me with high regard.

How hard I could hit the ball, how far I could hit the ball,

how many skip I could plant in a river stone,

how I could wind the words around a fictional story,

and how I could mesmerize the children in my life.

How the photos culled out the spirit of the person,

the mountain, the praying mantis. But all of that

was just a string of a million minuscule electrons

leaching out of every cell trying to find comfort.

Tonight, when Nikki asked me to ask the question again,

I realized that it is different now. I am willingly in the far reaches

from my nucleus because I finally know my own nub.

And this part of me that is longing for belonging

does not have a quivering within at all. My electrons

are on a purposeful pilgrimage. They know the proton they seek.

And while I know her, and could transfer my self to her self,

creating a whole new being with its own

atomic weight and strength, I will wait.

And I will say I love you to everything I see until I see her.

I will say I love you to this cold cup of coffee to my right,

I will say I love you to the keys clicking under my fingers,

I will say I love you to the red thread wrapped around my wrist.

To the red car that just drove by, to the man driving it.

To the street under the wheels, and the earth under the concrete.

To the rock now forming from the pushing we place upon it.

The grains in the sediment. The tiny shining within the stone.

I will say I love you to the sky that holds it all,

the things seen and unseen, the things known and the things revealing.

I will say I love you to all that is here

Then I will say I love you to all that is on its way.