Fortunately

Fortunately, we get to begin again.  Re-curate who we want to be.  Re-choose the person we are.  Sometimes because of a reckless decision, sometimes through a heart breaking event, sometimes it just happens without knowing over time, and, sometimes, as happened yesterday, we begin again simply by seeing what life is in a new way and wanting to follow its call.

I usually eat alone.  I usually cook for one.  I speak with my neighbors in passing, but rarely sit on their porch.  I have conversations in my head.  I need to know to do, to take action.  I like a safe palette of choices. I love my friends, but sometimes from a distance.  I have created a beautiful home that mostly houses me.  I pendulum between fear and awe-full appreciation. 

I say these things without judgment.  They are just simple facts.

And then, yesterday, I saw a new way.  I saw how easy it is start a conversation with a stranger.  How easy it is to talk about your dead father.  How easy it is to tuck in someone else's bra strap. How easy it is to put a new sheet of paper in a typewriter.  How easy it is to cook for three or four.  How easy it is to pass a plate of food. 

How simply moving a chair from the edge of the dining room to a space at the table changed the the whole feel of the room.  How easy it is to be at the table.

How easy it was to watch someone plop down.  Open doors.  Use the washer.  Make a joke.  Tell a story.  Nuzzle her friend close.  How easy and good it is to simply say good night.  How easy it is to to be gentle and generous.  How easy it is to say yes, not knowing the details. I saw how easy it is to occupy a place and time.  How easy it is to accept, and even welcome, the unknown.  I saw how easy it was to have three beautiful women in my beautiful home, as if it had happened before and as if it will happen again.

Fortunately, something in me softened yesterday.  Something in me roused its sleepy head. Something in me said, "This is the way to be" knowing that I can be it. I am it. 

No one knew today as I tumbled through work -- I might have appeared to be the exact same person I was on Friday before we left for the long weekend.  But I know my insides have been waxed clean.  My brain has been given a dose of now-you-know-more-and-can-be-more.  And my heart feels like it wants to lift me off the ground.